Do you have find yourself getting frustrated because you’re trying to get someone on board with an idea or new project and they are just not getting it. In fact it feels like you’re speaking a totally different language.
It could be with a stakeholder at work but equally it could be with your partner at home, your children, a group of friends. Something isn’t clicking and it can be incredibly frustrating.
Conversely, there are other people when communication is effortless – something just clicks and you are in sync. This is because you have natural rapport with them, yet with others you’re going to have to work at it. In this post I’m going to share how you can reduce the friction helping you to build rapport with anyone, this is the key to being a clever communicator.
So what is rapport and why is it important?
Rapport is the essence of good communication – it’s when people understand each other and communicate well and you have a connection. I like to think of it as ‘being in sync’ or on the same page with another person or a group of people.
It’s important because our brains have to process so much information every second of every day that we unconsciously cut corners and look for quick cues that essentially tell us that we ‘like’ this person.
When you don’t have natural rapport, you do need to work at it.
How do you create rapport?
Remember this ‘you don’t have to like someone to be like someone’ this is the key!
Only 7% of communication comes from our words (Research by Ray Birdwhistle,1970). Tonality and physiology make up the lion share and you can create those quick visual cues to help create connection and put someone’s unconscious mind at ease. The fastest way to do this is to match and mirror the body language of the person you are trying to connect with.
Observe their body language – how are they sitting – arms crossed? legs crossed? Leaning forward? Leaning back? And slowly match your body language to theirs. This synchronicity will help them to relax. This is subtle and discreet – but it will help that person feel naturally comfortable with you and at ease, you’re investing in your natural connection with them.
When you get into rapport you will know because any tension will ease and is at this point you launch into meaningful conversation – not a minute before!
The other thing to be mindful of that helps us communicate more effectively is understanding the language they are using. Language is unconscious – we don’t think about our words before we speak they just happen but one way to strengthen connection is to use similar words.
Speaking the same language
Everyone has one of four preferred representational systems – a choice of auditory (listening), visual (sight), kinaesthetic (feeling), auditory digital (data). You can identify someone’s preference by listening out for their verbal cues. Someone whose preference is auditory might use words like sound, hear, discuss, listen, loud, tune in and phrases like clear as a bell, sounds like, tune into when they talk. If you are struggling in a conversation to do this examine an email from a stakeholder, you will spot the language patterns and then match these in your own response. Even better why not use AI to do it for you!
Our minds work so hard all day filtering information, identifying from the volumes of information we are taking in what is relevant and what we want to listen to. So rather than ploughing into a conversation with little planning take the time to understand your audience and then tailor your communication style to theirs. If you want more impact you need to do the heavy lifting.
If you work in a job that requires you to write speeches or presentations, or you have a website for a business – making sure you cover descriptive words from each of the four systems – it will increase your connection with a larger group of people.
If you want to read more I recommend ‘NLP at work’ by Sue Knight.
Trust me this is a smarter way to communicate and it will help you have more impact in all your conversations!
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